On the contrary, I didn't actually know what I felt until he was gone and that too for ever. I wish I realized it sooner. Every day I go on with my life and when there is even a moment when I feel alone he comes to my mind. It feels like I am alone even when I am surrounded with people. I miss him unconditionally and all the feelings come at once. It is overwhelming and hard to handle. And then I choose to make myself numb. Numb to my own feelings, numb to whatever is going on around me. All I want to do is think of him. I thought once people left, you miss them less. But I realized it makes you miss them even more. The feelings I had for him seems to be growing stronger instead of diminishing. I don't think he wants me to get sad and lost every time I miss him. But then he is not here to tell me, I don't know where he is and what he wants. I can't even think straight when it's about him. He is that part of my life that I will always cherish but is too difficult to talk about. I can't bring myself to talk about him with anyone. That emptiness in my heart, that ache will always remain. No matter how happy I am or how well I convince myself that I have moved on I will always miss him.
Whenever I am in that phase where I zone out, I just wish someone would give me a tight hug or hold my hands and tell me they are there for me. I am an extremist. Whenever I imagine a situation I imagine it to be either extremely happy or extremely sad. Loosing him has made me feel insecure. I always feel scared that I might loose someone else that I love. The thought of loosing someone is painful. I try to be happy and not think much but sometimes it's just too hard to keep my head straight. Loosing him has made me desperate. Desperate to hang on. Desperate not to loose anyone else. It has made me assume the worst. I am in need of constant reminder that there are people who care for me and will be there for me. That day when I lost him, has changed a part of me. I don't know if it has made me stronger or weaker but it has changed me. A slight slip of death or an incident brings back the memory of the time when I got the news of his death. I wasn't there in his last moments. He said he would talk to me the next day but I guess that day wasn't meant to be there.
I loved him then, I love him now and I will forever love him ♥